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Gaya

I was in a relationship in 2022 with a lady who always compared me with her ex. Regardless of how much I loved that woman, I couldn’t get past the idea of constantly being compared to someone you’re no longer with – if they were so perfect, why did you guys decide to break up? Initially, it started as reminiscing about her ex to favourable comparisons. We could be watching a movie, and this woman would randomly remember what her ex said or did – it was never related to the movie we had been watching or whatever we had been doing or saying.&nbsp;

She would compliment me on the good things I did for her and explain that her ex never did them for her. I don’t think I ever received a compliment from that woman without including her ex. She would say things like, “Oh my God, you got me chocolates. I don’t think Samuel ever got me chocolates” or “Samuel never let me drive his car”. Like I said, it wasn’t so bad at first, but slowly, it became overbearing; this woman could clearly not let go of Samuel. Samuel began and ended almost every conversation; at one point, I felt like a third wheel in my own relationship. I hated a man I had never met because of that woman. The worst thing is that I knew she was no longer in love with this man, so why did he have to be in my relationship without being physically there? I understood that they dated for four years, but, man, I wasn’t in that space to handle such a situation.

&nbsp;I never knew there was something called a phantom ex until I dated that woman. It shaped my talking stage because now I always ask or find out if a phantom ex is involved.

A phantom ex is simply a past partner, lover or significant other that hasn’t been wholly let go of by your current partner. You’re constantly on your toes because your partner compares them to you. A phantom ex lingers in your relationship because your partner has not entirely moved on from them; they tend to compare when their needs or wants haven’t been met, and they usually presume that their ex would have been able to meet that particular need/want. The fantastic thing is that most of the time, a phantom ex existing doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner is still in love with that ex. It’s usually a thing of persistent emotional attachment, mainly if the relationship had been long termed.

Let’s use our story as an example. Samuel is a phantom ex that lingered in their relationship; she never failed to mention him and compare him with her current man, but this didn’t mean that she was still in love with Samuel. To her, he was just someone who had been with her through different phases of her life. Her emotional attachment to him was more potent than she could imagine, so memories of him subconsciously seeped into her current relationship. Many of us can relate to both our girl and her current man because we’ve either been in both or at least one of the situations.

As much as we can understand her, we also can’t entirely blame her current man for ending things because of her phantom ex. Imagine feeling like a third wheel in your relationship, imagine trying to compete with someone you might have never even met, imagine being constantly compared to an ex; I mean, personally, I’d also run as fast as I can because a situation like that slowly tells on your emotional and mental health no matter how strong you are. I can imagine what I would do if my man said something like, “Susan usually adds more pepper in her fried rice” or “Susan doesn’t get angry when I don’t help with the chores” Mr. Man, you’re going to have to marry Susan because I won’t stand for that sort of constant comparison.

Believe it or not, not everyone will be willing to sit with you and help you move on from your phantom ex, no matter how much they love you, especially during this trying time. Everyone is out there hoping to find something healthy and stable that’ll cushion the stress of life, so coming home to someone who constantly compares you with an ex is a no-no. So, how do you completely let go of your phantom ex?

First things first, you have to acknowledge the fact that you indeed have a phantom ex. No matter how annoying that person might have been, you clearly still have a strong emotional tie with that person, and it needs to be severed. Acknowledging this helps you accept that this problem exists, and when you know a problem exists, you’re more than willing to solve it. Now, recognising this problem doesn’t mean judging yourself or running back to that ex. Let’s be clear, that person might have been shit, and you might not even love the person anymore, but because you’ve been with this person for a long time, or this person has helped you grow in a certain aspect of your life and you’ve grown to deal with this person, the attachment might be there, and that’s okay.

The second thing to do is to cut off whatever connection you still have with that person. If you still talk, end the conversation. If they randomly slide into your DMs, stop them from doing so. If seeing their posts automatically brings back memories, find a way to stop coming across their social media content. You have to cut them off and/or create clear boundaries between yourselves, especially if you’re hoping to get into a new relationship.

Patterns keep memories fresh, so if you find yourself following a certain partner that you usually took with your ex or you find yourself doing things that remind you of your ex, find a way to destroy such patterns before you unconsciously bring the same pattern into your new relationship. If you find yourself stalking them on social media or constantly waiting to see what they post, you have to stop yourself because if you don’t, you’ll be constantly reminded of the memories you shared and in doing so you keep dwelling on them and what you might have shared.

You need to open up to someone about what you’re facing, especially when handling alone seems a lot more challenging. Talking to someone might be family, a friend or a professional; just find someone you’re comfortable sharing your journey with.

The most important thing is that it takes time. No one is expecting you to completely get over an ex in a few days. Do not set a specific time limit for yourself because someone else moved on at that specific time. Remember, people are different, and heartbreaks come differently, so take your time and slowly let go.

A phantom ex lingers in your relationship because your partner has not entirely moved on from them, but this doesn't mean they still love them.

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