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Gaya

Dating is all fun and games until you get into your 20s and suddenly realise, wait, I could actually spend the rest of my life with this person.

Now you can't just be impressed because they are fine, funny and know exactly how to make you laugh. You start paying attention to how they treat people, how they handle money, how they behave when they're angry, whether they can communicate properly and whether the two of you actually want the same kind of life.

The things you used to brush off start becoming things you have to think about. Because when you're 19, “they're annoying sometimes” can just mean they're annoying sometimes. At 26, you might be wondering what it will be like to live with that person for the next 40 years.

Suddenly, dating requires observation. A lot of it, and nobody really tells you that part.

Here are 12 things nobody tells you about dating in your 20s.

1. Chemistry can make you overlook a lot of things

You can really, really like someone and still be ignoring things that would bother you if you weren't attracted to them. The butterflies are doing their thing, the dates are fun, the conversations are flowing and you're thinking, “This could actually be my person.” Meanwhile, this person has already shown you three things that would normally make you run.

Attraction has a way of making nonsense look manageable. This doesn't mean chemistry isn't important. It is. But when you're thinking about a long-term relationship, you eventually have to look beyond how someone makes you feel when you're having a good time, because you won't be having a good time every single day.

2. Pay attention to how they behave when they're angry

Everybody is lovely when everything is going their way. The more useful information usually comes when something doesn't.

How do they behave when they're frustrated? Do they insult people? Do they become cruel? Do they shut down completely? Can they disagree without turning the disagreement into a personal attack? Can they apologise when they've gone too far?

You don't need someone who never gets angry. That's not realistic. You need to pay attention to what their anger looks like.

3. The way they treat people they don't need matters

Watch how they speak to waiters, cleaners, drivers, customer service workers and strangers.

Watch how they treat their younger siblings. Watch how they talk about their exes. Watch how they behave when nobody important is watching.

Someone can be incredibly sweet to you while being awful to everybody else, and eventually, you may find yourself on the receiving end of the same behaviour.

4. You need to talk about money earlier than you think

Nobody is saying you should ask someone for their bank statement on the second date, but once you're dating seriously, money becomes part of the conversation whether you like it or not.

How do they think about spending? Are they constantly borrowing money? Are they financially responsible? Do they have massive financial obligations? What does “splitting bills” mean to both of you? What kind of lifestyle do they want?

Money can be awkward to discuss when you're dating, but it becomes significantly less awkward than discovering three years into a relationship that you have completely different ideas about how money should work.

5. You cannot ignore lifestyle differences forever

You might think, “It's fine, we are just different.” And sometimes it genuinely is fine, but some differences become much more important when you're talking about a life together.

One person wants children. The other doesn't. One person wants to live abroad. The other wants to stay close to family. One person loves going out every weekend. The other is happiest at home. One person wants a very traditional relationship. The other wants something completely different.

Nobody has to be wrong. You just have to be honest about whether your lives can actually fit together.

6. Pay attention to how they handle responsibility

There is a difference between someone who is going through a difficult period and someone who consistently expects other people to clean up their mess.

Do they take responsibility when they make mistakes? Do they keep promises? Do they follow through on things they say they'll do? Do they have a habit of blaming everybody else whenever something goes wrong?

You are not just dating who someone is when life is easy. You are also dating how they handle the parts of life that aren't.

7. “They're nice to me” is not the whole assessment

Someone can be lovely to you and still not be a good partner for you. They can buy you gifts, take you on dates, make you laugh and treat you well most of the time while still having qualities that make a long-term relationship difficult.

You also need to ask whether you can communicate with each other, whether you trust them, whether your values align and whether you feel comfortable being yourself around them.

Being treated nicely is important.&nbsp;It is just not the only thing that matters.

8. Your friends might notice something you don't

You know that thing where everyone in your group chat can see the problem except you?

Sometimes your friends genuinely see things you don't because they're not emotionally attached to the person.

They might notice that you're constantly making excuses for them. They might notice that you don't seem like yourself anymore. They might remember something you conveniently forgot because you were trying to make the relationship work.

You don't have to obey every opinion your friends have about your relationship. But if several people who genuinely care about you are raising the same concern, it is probably worth asking yourself why.

9. You will have to decide what is actually a dealbreaker

The older you get, the more you realise that having standards is not the same thing as having a checklist.

You need to know what genuinely matters to you. Maybe cheating is a dealbreaker. Maybe you cannot be with someone who doesn't want children. Maybe you need a partner who shares your faith. Maybe smoking is something you absolutely cannot live with.

Know your non-negotiables, but also understand the difference between a genuine incompatibility and a preference you can happily live without.

Otherwise, you might reject perfectly good people because they don't match a fantasy you created in your head.

10. You cannot date someone hoping they will eventually become different

This is one of those lessons people learn after wasting entirely too much time. You see the potential. You know they're capable of more. You believe that once they get their career together, stop drinking so much, become more emotionally available or finally get over their ex, everything will be amazing.

But you are dating the person who exists now.&nbsp;Not the version you have imagined after five years of personal development. People can change, obviously. But you cannot build a relationship around a renovation project.

11. You need to know what kind of relationship you actually want

This sounds obvious until you realise how many people are dating without having had this conversation with themselves.

Do you actually want marriage? Do you want children? Do you want to live together before marriage? What does commitment mean to you? What kind of relationship do you want? What role do family and religion play in your life?

You don't need to have every detail figured out.

But you should have some idea of the direction you're going in.

Otherwise, you can spend two years happily dating someone who is heading in completely the opposite direction.

12. Sometimes the biggest question is whether you actually like who you are with them

This might be the one people forget. We spend so much time asking, “Do they like me?” “Do they love me?” “Will they choose me?” that we forget to ask ourselves what the relationship is doing to us.

Do you like yourself around this person? Do you feel relaxed or are you constantly anxious? Are you more confident or constantly questioning yourself? Can you speak honestly? Do you feel respected? Do you feel like you can be yourself without performing?

Because yes, you want someone who loves you, but you also want a relationship in which you actually like the person you become.

Dating In Your 20s Is Less About Finding The Perfect Person

Maybe that's the part nobody tells you.&nbsp;Dating in your 20s isn't just about finding somebody who is attractive enough, successful enough, funny enough or romantic enough. It's also about learning how to pay attention.

Pay attention to the little things. How they speak when they're irritated. How they handle money. How they treat people who can't do anything for them. How they deal with disappointment. How they apologise. How they talk about their family. How they respond when you disagree with them.

Not because you're supposed to spend every date conducting an interview.&nbsp;You just start realising that the person you're dating is not only the person taking you out for dinner and sending you cute messages. They are also potentially the person you'll have to make difficult decisions with, share money with, raise children with, care for when they're sick, deal with when you're both stressed and build a life with when things are no longer exciting.

That's why your 20s can make dating feel different.&nbsp;You still want the butterflies. You still want someone who makes you laugh and gives you that stupid smile when their name pops up on your phone. You should still enjoy yourself, but somewhere along the way, you also start asking better questions.

Not just “Do I like this person?”<br>But “Can I actually build a life with them?”<br>And sometimes, the answer is yes.<br>Sometimes it's absolutely not.

The important thing is being willing to pay enough attention to know the difference.

Dating in your 20s gets more serious than butterflies and chemistry. Here are 12 things nobody tells you about paying attention, compatibility and choosing a partner.

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