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Gaya

We’ve collectively found a way to convince ourselves that sexual incompatibility is one the biggest deal breakers in a relationship but what if I can assure you that it isn’t, would you be willing to work on your relationship? Now, I’m not saying that sex isn’t important; I’m saying it shouldn’t be a reason why you break things up with your significant other if they are willing to understand and work with you.

According to the Centre for Couples Counseling, Desire discrepancy refers to the difference in sexual desire between partners. One partner may have a high libido, craving more intimacy and sexual activity, while the other may have a lower libido, feeling less inclined towards sex. This gap can stem from stress, hormonal changes, relationship dynamics, past experiences, and even cultural influences. In easier terms, it means when one party desires more sex than their partner, and truly it can be frustrating, tiring as well as exhausting for both parties involved.

People usually assume that the party who wants more sex is usually losing in the relationship or going through the most but trust me when I say that both parties go through that same feeling.&nbsp;

For the party wanting more sex, most times they feel undesirable by their partner, they begin to question their looks, body, and mentality, and they wonder if there’s something wrong with them. The same goes for the partner who wants less sex, they usually feel not good enough for their partner, wondering why their body can’t cooperate with the desires of their partner, they sometimes feel distrust towards their partner because if they aren’t getting sex from them then they are probably getting it from someone else.

So it is evident as to why people consider desire discrepancy or sexual incompatibility as a deal breaker because imagine a relationship where both partners are feeling somewhat inadequate, insecure, or unhappy. In our country, there’s this belief that women do not want sex as much as men or that women have lower libido as compared to the sexually powerful Nigerian men but that belief is completely false.&nbsp;

I’ve discussed with two Nigerians who have been faced with this issue in their relationships, and how they were able to work around it with their partners. For the sake of privacy, I would be concealing their actual names.

During the earlier years of our relationship, sex had never been a problem; I mean we used to have sex whenever we had the chance to be sincere our relationship started as a sexual one. We started as friends with benefits and before Nigerians come for me, she initiated the title-free relationship, it is safe to say I was the one who wanted more but she kept rejecting my proposals. Fast forward to when we got married in 2021 and our first child which by the way happened after a lot of pleading and growth because like I said I wanted every part of her, sex started to become a big problem for her. We didn’t have sex for as long as four months after our daughter’s birth, do not get me wrong I understand that women go through a lot during childbirth both emotionally, physically, and otherwise, so I truly didn’t push for the first two months.&nbsp;

Whenever I tried to initiate sex and she declined, I always understood but as you know the spirit is willing but the body can be weak. To be sincere, I never brought up the conversation with her, and slowly I became a lot angrier, and frustrated, at a point the Yoruba demon in me began to feel like an angel, I truly thought she didn’t find me as attractive as she used to. It wasn’t until the fourth month when I began to develop lustful feelings for other women I knew it was time we spoke about it, I had never considered cheating before then, I mean this was the woman I pleaded to for years to accept me and I never want to hurt her.&nbsp;

Believe me when I tell you that communication should be the foundation of every relationship because when my wife and I finally sat down to discuss I knew we both had it all wrong and if we had let it linger on, we might have never figured out that miscommunication was the cause of our break up and not sex. She explained that she had begun to feel ugly, too fat, less sexy, and slowly her confidence diminished during pregnancy. She further explained that after childbirth it became worse because the idea of another life coming out from her didn’t make her feel powerful instead it made her feel old, overall she thought I no longer found her as desirable as I used to. Listening to her made me realize we felt the same way to an extent, I told her about how I felt, and how the circumstance also made me feel undesirable. We vulnerably told ourselves how much we still wanted each other; let’s just say that the say after that talk we had one of the best sex. We understood each other a bit more after that conversation, although she still took time to go to therapy, all in all, sex has been great.

I had finally met someone who I truly love and reciprocated that love with every single love language in addition to his intention to marry me but the sex wasn’t giving! As a Nigerian woman blessed with the body of a goddess (not to brag), I always met men who were mostly interested in just my body, even job hunting was proving difficult for me because most men were not interested in what my brain had to offer but what my body did. It took a long period of growth for me to learn self-control, and how to love my body. It wasn’t until late last year I met my current boyfriend and this man ticked all the boxes, he was and still is a walking green flag. He never disrespects me, he always considers my feelings, I’m not going to lie at first I thought he was just doing everything to get into my pants even after he asked me out, we didn’t have sex until months later. The first few times we had sex, I was convinced that we were still learning and understanding each other’s bodies because why would I finally be blessed with such a great man but he doesn’t match up with me sexually? Later on, I understood that the love of my life wasn’t sexually compatible with me. As a woman with a high libido, I crave sex as often as every day, as long as we are in one space I could have you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner maybe even a midnight snack. It was truly a sad period, at a point I wanted to break up but considering that I loved this man I convinced myself that no one could have it all and that maybe this was my cross to carry. It didn’t take long for my man to notice my withdrawal which was my way of solving our little problem, he tried to get me to open up but I always shut him down because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. How do you tell a Nigerian man that he doesn’t satisfy you? I had seen how Nigerians tagged women with high libido as prostitutes and I wasn’t going to risk it.&nbsp;

After much pressure from him, I completely opened up to him and ladies I’m here to tell you to get yourself an understanding man and never settle for less, although I have currently snatched the best man there is. We had an intense conversation about it, he assured me he would do better, and I assured him I would meet him in the middle. We created sex schedules, we teased ourselves more than we had sex to build up the urges, we worked on learning new tricks, styles, and skills, we just made sex fun for ourselves and I am pleased to tell you that since we spoke I have become a fully sexually satisfied woman.

From both people, it is undeniably clear that communication is the first necessary step to take in solving the problem of desire discrepancy before steps like therapy, sex schedule, and learning new sex tricks and skills. Discussing with an understanding partner, a partner willing to learn and grow with you, would take a lot of that pressure away. So, talk to your partner today!&nbsp;

I hope I was able to convince you that desire discrepancy should not pass as a deal breaker in a relationship.

As important as sex is in a relationship, desire discrepancy should not be a major red flag in any relationship.

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