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Gaya

If there was one lesson my thirty-two-month relationship with Tayo taught me, it is that cheating is not only sexual. Sometimes, it shows up in more subtle patterns that, if left unchecked, eventually culminate in the act itself. Unfortunately, we live in a society that seldom validates or even recognises these forms of betrayal. And so, I have chosen to share my <a href="https://aura.ng/news/how-i-survived-depression-and-rebuilt-my-life-from-scratch-a-wife-s-heartbreaking-story-will-leave-you-speechless">bitterly painful experience</a>… with the hope that it saves you before it is too late.

Adetayo was my very first boyfriend. We met in our second year of university, became friends almost immediately, and eventually started dating in the third year of our five-year degree. We were both in the same faculty of agriculture but in different departments.

After successfully shirking all my <a href="https://aura.ng/life-and-love/5-truths-afcon-reveals-about-nigerian-men-that-dating-won-t">secret admirers</a> in secondary school, I had no intention of dating anyone when I got into university. Being exceptionally tall—6’1—I was almost always taller than the boys who approached me. In fact, I found it mildly insulting when a boy noticeably shorter would try his luck. So, over time, I developed a certain attitude to ward them off.

But what no one knew was that this was merely a guise. My rudeness was a form of protection, hiding the insecurity my height had planted in me. Deep down, I had almost resigned myself to the idea that I might never find the kind of love I wanted, considering the "snobbish" perception everyone now had of me. No guys were bold enough to approach me anymore…at least, not until I left Nigeria for my master's in the Netherlands, where I imagined I would finally meet my tall Prince Charming.

Then out of the blue came one of the tallest boys in the entire faculty…my Adetayo. And just like that, the rest quickly became history.

When Your “Spec” Becomes Your Blind Spot

Looking back now, with less sentiment and more clarity, I realise I saw the signs very early but chose to ignore them. I’ll admit that I went into that relationship with a certain level of desperation. Desperation not to miss what felt like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, since the universe had finally decided to favour <a href="https://aura.ng/life-and-love/which-music-genre-matches-your-love-life-">my love life</a>.

Adetayo was the first man who met all my “specs”, including height. But now that the butterflies are dead and buried, I can humbly accept that I didn’t prioritise my specs intelligently. My specs were looks, academic brilliance, and socio-economic class. If I had paid more attention to character, I might have recognised earlier that his extreme friendliness and extroversion would later become a threat to our relationship.

Tayo had a female best friend, whom I was never comfortable with. But every time I tried to express this, he would accuse me of being jealous, possessive, and even insecure. He argued that we had opposite personalities and that I shouldn’t try to impose my introverted nature on him. After all, he had been friends with Chiamaka long before he met me; how could I expect him to suddenly cut her off?

So, in my bid to be an “understanding girlfriend”, I adjusted and embraced his friend group. Chiamaka and I even got to the point where we jokingly called each other “sisters-in-law”.

Adetayo was also a student politician, and according to him, that meant he had to stay in the good graces of all the girls so that they would support his political career. He had no regard for boundaries. The same pet names he used for me were casually extended to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. He had “wives” scattered across the department, especially among the junior girls.

But somehow, I kept turning the blame inward. I convinced myself I was being too critical, too rigid, too insecure. So, I continued ignoring the <a href="https://aura.ng/life-and-love/we-are-not-who-we-used-to-be-a-love-that-broke-apart">glaring signs</a>.

Whenever he went to parties, of which he attended a lot, he would post snaps of himself dancing with other girls and spraying them with money like it was nothing. But I couldn’t complain. I wasn’t even following him, so what exactly did I expect? Moreover, he was very open about his communication… or at least, so I thought. So, in my mind, he couldn’t possibly be hiding anything from me.

Tayo spent a lot of money on me, and that is one part of the relationship I don’t regret. But what I didn’t understand at the time was that it was mostly compensation… for the emotional energy he was investing elsewhere. At times, when I complained about his emotional unavailability, he and his friends would tease me. They said I had read too much Wattpad and watched too much Netflix—which wasn’t entirely false—and that was why I expected my love life to be perfect.

But looking back now, why did I allow not just my boyfriend, but even his friends, to invalidate my feelings?

The incident that finally broke the camel’s back and led to our breakup is probably what you’re already thinking. I found out he was cheating on me with his best friend. No, they never had sex. But she knew parts of him I had no access to. The ugly truths about him I didn’t even know existed…and perhaps still don’t, because he never told me everything. 

I also stumbled upon chats where he shared all the issues and intimate struggles in our relationship with her. Apparently, she was his therapist and special adviser all along. In that moment, I was rudely awakened to the fact that I had been in a relationship with Chiamaka, too, for thirty-two whole months.

I ended things the day before our final paper. And strangely, the most <a href="https://aura.ng/life-and-love/how-to-heal-after-a-breakup-practical-tips-to-recover-and-move-on">heartbreaking</a> part wasn’t even the betrayal; it was his reaction. He didn’t fight for me the way I expected; he only begged halfheartedly. Chiamaka, on the other hand, seemed more remorseful. But in less than a month afterwards, she broke up with her own boyfriend. And from what I hear now… they’re together.

Ladies, when men show you their true colours, believe them. Every single one of your feelings is valid, and if a man does not make you feel emotionally safe, I dare say he is not good for you. Pack your bags and run!

He didn’t sleep with another woman, but the betrayal was real. This deeply personal story explores the subtle, often ignored forms of cheating and the painful realisation that emotional disloyalty can hurt just as much as physical infidelity.

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