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Gaya

Is love really important if the person ticks all the other boxes?

Am I evil for picking security over love?

Maybe what's evil is that I'm lying to him.

Every time I say 'I love you', my heart beats faster, and it's not butterflies. It's because I know that what I love is the idea of being called his own, the security, the money, the care,and&nbsp; how he loves.

He looks at me like I hung the moon, and I smile back, because that's what you do when someone loves you that much.&nbsp;

But inside? I feel nothing. Not disgust. Not resentment. Just... nothing.

Sometimes I wonder if this is what my mother meant when she said "you'll understand when you're older." Did she feel this too? Did she choose my father the same way I chose him, not with her heart, but with her head?

My friends tell me I'm lucky. "He's so good to you," and he is.&nbsp;

He wants to build a life with me. I nod and smile and say "I know."

What I don't say is: I don't know if I want that life. But I also don't know if I want anything else.

There was someone before him, someone I actually loved.

I remember what that felt like. The way my stomach flipped when his name popped up on my phone. The way I analyzed every text, every word, every pause.&nbsp;

The way I would've done anything just to have him look at me the way he looked at other girls.

He didn't love me back and it destroyed me.

I cried in bathrooms. I wrote paragraphs I never sent. I convinced myself that if I just loved him harder, if I was just better, prettier, funnier, less needy, more chill, maybe he'd choose me.

Now, I’m being chosen and I feel Nothing

I'm the one being chosen, being loved, being pursued and I feel... nothing.

Sometimes I wonder if this is karma. If the universe looked at how he treated me and said, "Now you do it to someone else."&nbsp;

Because isn't that what I'm doing? Giving him scraps of affection while he gives me everything?

The difference is: he didn't lie about it. He never said he loved me. I'm saying it every day.

I tell myself it's different. That I'm not hurting him the way I was hurt because he doesn't know but maybe that makes it worse.&nbsp;

At least I knew where I stood. He thinks we're building a future.

And the worst part? I look at him, this man who genuinely loves me and I feel nothing close to what I felt for someone who could barely remember my birthday.

So here I am. Lying in bed next to a man who would give me the world, wondering if I'm smart or selfish. Wondering if love even matters if everything else is good. Wondering if I'll wake up one day and regret this.

Or worse, wondering if I'll wake up one day and realize I never actually had a choice.

I don't have the answer. And maybe that's the most honest thing I've said all day.

A raw confession about choosing security over love, lying to someone who loves you deeply, and questioning whether that makes you evil or just human.


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