Understanding your sexuality is a personal journey that can take time, and it’s no different for those exploring bisexuality. The process can be even more challenging due to bi-erasure and widespread misconceptions about what it means to be bisexual.

Jen Winston, author of GREEDY: Notes From a Bisexual Who Wants Too Much, notes, “Feeling uncertain about whether you’re bisexual is actually part of bisexual culture. You might think that this uncertainty makes you more straight, but in reality, it can be a sign that you’re more bisexual.”

If you’re asking yourself, "Am I bisexual?" or identifying as bicurious, it’s important to move beyond common stereotypes. Contrary to what some may believe, bisexuality simply means being attracted to more than one gender. Both gender and sexuality exist on spectrums and are not strictly binary. If you find yourself attracted to people regardless of gender, you may identify as pansexual. Others may choose to use the term queer. Ultimately, the label you choose is personal, and there’s no right or wrong way to define your sexuality.

"Sexual identity isn't solely about who you're attracted to it's also about how you see yourself and how you want others to perceive you," explains Marianne. "Just because you think you might be bisexual doesn't necessarily mean you have to act on it. Likewise, having a sexual experience with someone of the same gender doesn't automatically define someone as bisexual."

It’s completely normal to reflect on and question your sexuality. Marianne adds, "It’s more common than people realize. Everyone starts out curious. You might remember feeling a strong connection to a same-sex friend as a child, but as we grow, societal norms and expectations shape how we view and express our sexuality."

Talking to others, particularly bisexual individuals (as long as they’re comfortable with the conversation and you’re not asking about their personal sex life), can be really insightful. Jen Winston humorously suggests, “The only surefire way to know if you’re bisexual is to take an internet quiz!” She adds, “I’m only half-joking it can actually be reassuring to have your bi identity validated, even if it's through a fun quiz about pizza toppings.”

Begin by reflecting on what bisexuality personally means to you. Marianne explains, "What you should do next depends on various factors are you single or in a relationship? Do you practice monogamy, or are you open to different relationship dynamics? What’s driving your exploration of your sexuality? Are there internal biases you need to address?"

It’s important to remember that you are the central figure in this journey. "This is about your emotions, your sexuality, and your relationship status. If you feel the need to act, do it on your own terms, at your own pace, and within boundaries that feel comfortable to you," she adds.

Understanding that there won’t be an "officially bi for life" sticker is key. Labels are just tools we use to communicate our inner selves to others they can evolve as you do. Additionally, because bisexuality is often dismissed as a phase, you may encounter situations where others don't validate your identity.

Jen Winston highlights the fluid nature of bisexuality: "It's difficult to know with certainty that you're bisexual because it asks us to embrace ambiguity. It’s about living in the in-between and getting comfortable with uncertainty. Bisexuality is about finding balance within a state of constant change."

To better understand your sexuality, here are a few personal stories from different women on how they came to realize they are bisexual:

“I’ve pretty much always known that I’m bisexual. In middle school, I’d feel butterflies around both boys and girls. Anytime bisexuality was mentioned in TV shows or movies, I felt like it was speaking directly to me. Realizing I was bisexual wasn’t the hard part—it was claiming that identity out loud. I didn’t think I deserved it, especially since I still liked guys. I assumed everyone felt a bit bisexual, so I kept my feelings to myself. I also worried that identifying as bisexual might erase trans and non-binary people. Now, I understand that bisexuality and gender fluidity are connected and mutually supportive concepts. My coming-out journey was full of realizations, and eventually, I learned to trust my instincts.” — Jen Winston

“I’d been fantasizing about it for years”

“I didn’t feel comfortable using the bisexual label until I slept with a girl at 22, but the signs were there for years. I had been fantasizing about it long before. I still prefer the label bisexual, even though some people argue that it excludes non-binary identities—that’s not how the bi community defines it. I’m unsure about calling myself pansexual because I haven’t encountered a gender identity I couldn’t be attracted to. However, pansexual people often describe attraction as being independent of gender, which isn’t quite how I experience it.” [via]

“My own insecurities still hold me back”

“It started with, ‘I just like lesbian porn,’ then evolved into, ‘I’m a feminist because women are strong, beautiful, and amazing.’ Soon, it became, ‘Wow, some women are just breathtaking.’ Eventually, when my self-esteem improved, I went from thinking, ‘I want to be like her,’ to, ‘I want her.’ This shift happened between the ages of 14 and 19, but even now, my insecurities still hold me back at times.” [via]

“My first experience with women was at a play party”

“I’m a queer cisgender woman who began exploring my sexuality at 31, and I’m now 35. I didn’t realize I could be attracted to people other than cisgender, heterosexual men until I actually tried it! My first experience with a non-male was at a play party where I expressed interest in being with women. The organizer made it happen, and we ended up making out and getting intimate in front of everyone. It was an incredible first time, and I had further opportunities to explore my sexuality in low-pressure, consensual settings. Without these experiences, I might not have realized I was queer. My romantic awakening came when I started dating my non-binary partner, and I knew right away my feelings were genuine.” [via]

“The way I felt about women was different”

“I’m still not entirely sure when I figured it out, but I was 26 before I fully accepted it. I’d always liked women, but my feelings for them seemed different from how I felt about men, so I just ignored it.” [via]

“When I was a teenager, my best friend admitted during a sleepover that she had a crush on me. My immediate reaction was, ‘I think I’m into that,’ and we started making out. That’s how I realized I was bisexual.” [via]

“I didn’t know any bisexuals who were out”

“Looking back, I’ve had crushes on girls for as long as I can remember, but I mistook them for admiration or jealousy as a kid. I would think, ‘I’m not a lesbian—I’ve had crushes on guys,’ and I didn’t consider bisexuality until I was 16 and had a dream about a girl. That was a turning point. I used to believe bisexuality was just something straight women did to seem rebellious or as a stepping stone to coming out as lesbian. I didn’t know any out bisexuals, so I never thought it could be an option for me.”

I’m in my late 20s and only realized I’m also into women this year

read more