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Gaya

It was a warm, regular night when I first met him, Alex. His charming smile and magnetic presence drew me in, and before long, we were inseparable.&nbsp;

He fell in love with me fast and hard, and within a year, we were exchanging vows, promising to be together forever. On the surface, our marriage seemed perfect, but deep inside, I carried a secret that I feared would shatter everything.

Growing up, I always knew I was different. As a young girl, I found myself drawn to other girls, not understanding why. I would get shy when I was in the midst of pretty girls and because I went to a female boarding school, I was always surrounded by girls. Beautiful beautiful girls.

I convinced myself that what I felt was just admiration or friendship. After all, women are beautiful, it’s normal to admire them.

In the beginning,&nbsp; I tried&nbsp; to suppress my emotions and tried to convince myself that I wasn’t really attracted to girls romantically because It seemed ''unnatural'' according to my society&nbsp; but the more I tried to suppress it, the more the attraction grew.

When other girls would talk about their male crushes, I would be puzzled because I couldn’t feel any attraction towards any man.

The thought of a man even holding my hand in a romantic way made my tummy topple over.

I started to panic the older I got.&nbsp; I thought I had&nbsp; a problem. When I clocked 18, people including my family started to ask questions. But even then, nobody suspected that I was attracted to girls. Most of them just thought that I was just indifferent to guys and would eventually grow&nbsp; into it. You see, I had hidden that part of me quite well because there was no room to give it expression.&nbsp; But, things soon changed.

When I got admission to the university, I finally got a chance to explore my sexuality for the first time. I met some girls (lesbians, bisexual, bi-curious)&nbsp; and I got into a lot of entanglement with them secretly. Some, I even dated for a while. Outsiders&nbsp; believed these relationships were platonic but, in reality, they were very intense and very romantic.

When Alex entered my life, it was right after my university and I knew I had to move forward with my life because I wanted to live my life by the books. Graduate, get a good job, get married, have kids. You know…the whole life package.

When I met Alex, I believed he would be the answer to all my internal&nbsp; struggles. I promised myself I was going to try to love him and make myself happy in the situation.&nbsp;

In the beginning, our marriage blossomed, and we had lots of&nbsp; good moments, but my mind and heart were always divided.&nbsp;

&nbsp;I always yearned deeply for a&nbsp; connection that I knew he could never give me and I&nbsp; could never give to him. Having sex with him was torture even though he was warm, gentle and caring and I felt so&nbsp; guilty for feeling that way. However, I tried to endure it and positioned my mind to live with my feelings hidden forever. Until one night.

One evening, in 2022, I met an older woman named&nbsp; Olivia at a social event. She was radiant, and her genuine smile lit up the room. As we started talking, a spark ignited within me. The more we spoke, the clearer it became: I was undeniably attracted to her. My heart raced with excitement and guilt, torn between my loyalty to my husband and my true heart&nbsp; desires.

I started spending more time with Olivia, initially as friends, but the emotional connection deepened, and my feelings for her intensified. I told her I was married and she completely understood my predicament. Our relationship became sexual after 2 months of talking and I finally was able fell in love for the first time in my life. I am now so in love with her that the thoughts of her consume me at random times during the day. My moments with her has become my only respite from a bland and unhappy life.&nbsp;

To an outsider,&nbsp; I’m a happily married woman but every day that I wake up, the weight of my secret grows heavier.&nbsp; I feel like an imposter in my own life.

My world has become a constant battle of duty to my marriage and loyalty to my heart's authentic desires.

I feel happy and at peace when I’m with her. I don’t know what to do for now. I'm stuck in a limbo wondering if I should choose my happiness or stay in a situation that I will never really find my true happiness in.

I feel sorry for my husband because not only is he completely clueless about my sexuality, he doesn't deserve this. But, I can’t help the way I feel. I feel very on edge when I think of how my whole family and friends would&nbsp; react to this when I'm finally able to tell them. There's a lot of emotions I’m processing right now.

I’m hoping that one day (hopefully soon) I will be fully able to share my truth with my husband and my entire family so that I can live my life without fear and also spare the people close to me from being hurt by my actions.

For now, I will continue to guard this secret with my life while still entertaining my clandestine love affair.

''To an outsider,  I’m a happily married woman but every day I wake up, the weight of my secret grows heavier.  I feel like an imposter in my own life.''

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