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Gaya

There is a very specific kind of man Nigerian women need to discuss. He likes you, at least that is what he says. He calls you, checks on you, wants to see you, gets jealous when another man is around and somehow always knows exactly what to say whenever you start wondering where this whole thing is going.

So naturally, you think, Okay, this man likes me. Then three months pass. Then six. Then eight, and somehow, you are still trying to figure out what exactly the two of you are doing.

You have gone on dates. You have been intimate. You have met his friends. You know his favourite food and his work schedule. He knows when you're upset, what you order at your favourite restaurant, and probably the exact tone of voice you use when you're pretending not to be angry.

Whenever you bring it up, there is always a reason. He wants to take things slowly. He likes you but isn't ready. His last relationship really affected him. He wants to get his finances together first. He sees a future with you, but now isn't the right time, and sometimes, all of those things can be true. People genuinely need time. People have complicated lives. A man can like you and still not be ready for a relationship, but there is also a difference between a man who genuinely needs time and one who has realised that keeping you around is convenient.

So how do you tell the difference? Here are 8 signs that the man you're dealing with may not be “taking his time.” He may simply be wasting yours.

1. He Likes Having You Around, But Never Actually Moves Things Forward

This is probably the easiest place to start because a man can be very good at making you feel wanted without actually making any real progress with you.

He calls. He checks on you. He takes you out occasionally. He remembers your birthday. He sends you money when you're having a bad day. He tells you he misses you. He makes you feel like there is something between you because there obviously is, but whenever the conversation gets to actually defining the relationship, everything suddenly becomes complicated.

He needs to focus on work. His finances are not where he wants them to be. His last relationship really affected him. He doesn't want to rush into anything. He just wants to “see where things go", and you understand. Of course you do. You're not unreasonable. So you give him time.

The problem is that time keeps passing, and the situation stays exactly the same. At some point, you have to stop asking whether he likes you. He probably does. The better question is whether he likes you enough to actually do something about it, because liking you and building a relationship with you are two different activities.

2. He Gives You Just Enough To Keep You Interested

This is where things get particularly tricky because he isn't treating you badly enough to make leaving easy.

He sends good morning texts. He calls you when something funny happens. He takes you out every few weeks. He tells you that you're different from the women he's met before. Just when you're beginning to think, Maybe this man really is serious, he becomes distant again. You notice it, complain about it and pull back a little. Suddenly, he is back.

He misses you. He has been busy. He has had a lot going on. He didn't mean to make you feel ignored. So you relax. Then it happens again. Eventually, you realise that you have been surviving on tiny doses of affection because every time you get close to accepting that he isn't giving you enough, he gives you just enough to make you stay.

That is not the same thing as consistency, and you should be careful about confusing occasional effort with genuine intention.

3. You Only Hear From Him When It Is Convenient For Him

There is also the man whose entire relationship with you seems to operate around his availability. He calls when he is bored. He wants to see you when his other plans fall through. He sends “wyd?” at 11 p.m. on a Saturday. He asks if you're free tonight when he could have asked you three days ago.

Every plan is last minute, and somehow you are always expected to fit yourself into whatever space he has left. Meanwhile, you know his schedule because you actually care enough to remember it. You know when he has meetings, when he travels and when he is likely to be stressed.

He, on the other hand, seems to discover your existence whenever he has free time. One or two last-minute plans are not a crime. Life happens. But when every interaction is built around his convenience, it is worth asking whether he is actually making room for you or simply calling you whenever there happens to be room, because babe, you are not shawarma. He shouldn't be ordering you whenever he gets hungry.

4. He Wants All The Benefits Of A Girlfriend Without Actually Having A Girlfriend

This one is especially dangerous because you may not even realise how much you are doing. You listen to his problems. You support his career. You help him make decisions. You remember important dates. You check on him when he is sick. You are the person he calls when something happens. You know all the family drama and probably have opinions about his friends.

You are basically doing girlfriend overtime, but if somebody asks what you two are, suddenly you're “just friends.” Interesting. Because how did you somehow become the person providing emotional support, companionship, affection and sometimes even financial help without receiving the commitment that comes with it?

When you bring it up, he tells you that labels are unnecessary. Of course labels are unnecessary when the person benefiting from the arrangement is him.

5. He Talks About The Future But Never Makes Actual Plans

Some men are incredibly talented at describing a future that does not exist. “We should travel together.” “When I get my own place, you'll basically live there.” “I'll take you on that trip one day.” “When things settle down, we'll do this properly.”

It all sounds lovely, and because you like him, you start imagining it too, but then you ask when, and suddenly the future becomes very blurry. There is nothing wrong with talking about the future. In fact, it is normal when two people like each other. The problem is when the future is constantly being used to explain why you should tolerate the present.

If every promise begins with “one day,” you should probably start paying attention to what is happening today, because you cannot build a relationship with potential.

6. He Gets Jealous, But Still Doesn't Want Commitment

Now this one can confuse a woman because jealousy often feels like proof that someone cares. You mention another man and his mood changes. You post a picture, and he wants to know who took it. You go somewhere without telling him, and suddenly he wants a full report. You start talking to someone else and, almost magically, he remembers how much he likes you.

So you don't want me, but you also don't want anybody else to have me?Interesting. Jealousy is not commitment. Someone can be terrified of losing access to you without actually wanting to build a relationship with you.

Sometimes what looks like “he really doesn't want to lose me” is simply “he doesn't want somebody else to have what has been available to him.” Those are two very different things.

7. Every Time You Try To Leave, He Suddenly Becomes Serious

Ah. This one deserves special attention because sometimes the clearest sign that a man has been wasting your time is what happens when you finally decide you are done.

You stop calling. You stop checking in. You stop making yourself available. Maybe you even start moving on. Suddenly, this man has found clarity.

He misses you. He has been thinking about everything. He doesn't want to lose you. He promises that things will be different. He tells you he has never felt this way about anyone, and because you still like him, you give him another chance.

Then two weeks later, you are right back where you started. This is why you have to pay attention to patterns, not emotional speeches. If someone only becomes serious when they realise you might leave, but loses that seriousness once you stay, what exactly has changed?

Sometimes a person doesn't want to commit to you. They simply don't want you to leave. Those are not the same thing.

8. You Spend More Time Decoding Him Than Enjoying Him

Maybe the biggest sign is not even something he does. It is what the situation is doing to you. You are constantly analysing why he took six hours to reply, why he said he missed you but didn't ask to see you, why he introduced you as his friend, why he acts like your boyfriend privately but like a stranger in public, and why he was so affectionate last week and distant this week.

You have discussed this man with your friends so many times that they know his behaviour better than some of your own relatives.&nbsp;At some point, you have to ask yourself whether you are actually enjoying this relationship or just trying to solve it, because dating somebody should not feel like a group project where you and your friends meet every Thursday night to analyse his latest WhatsApp activity.

If you constantly need to decode someone's intentions, there is a good chance they have not communicated them clearly enough.

Now, before we drag every man in Nigeria, let's be fair. Not every man who isn't ready for a relationship is wasting your time. Sometimes people genuinely need time. Sometimes someone is dealing with personal problems. Sometimes a man can like you very much and still know that he cannot give you the relationship you want right now.

The important thing is honesty. If he tells you he isn't ready, believe him. If he tells you he wants something casual, believe him. If he says he doesn't know what he wants, believe that too.

The problem is when his words and behaviour keep you emotionally invested in the hope that he will eventually become ready, because you cannot make somebody ready by being patient enough, and you cannot love somebody into wanting the same things you want.

There is no universal deadline for when a man has to ask you to be his girlfriend. Three months isn't a law. Six months isn't a law. Every relationship is different, but you should know what you want.

If you want a relationship, don't pretend you're okay with something casual because you're hoping it will eventually become serious. If you want exclusivity, don't convince yourself that you don't mind sharing because you're scared that asking for more will make him leave, and if you have spent months waiting for somebody to decide whether they want you, remember that you are also allowed to make a decision.

You can decide that this is not enough for you. You can decide that you don't want to wait anymore. You can decide that somebody being “almost ready” is not the kind of relationship you want, because a man can like you and still waste your time, and sometimes, the most important question isn't “Does he like me?”

It's “Is what he's giving me actually enough for what I want?” Because babe, you don't need to spend another six months waiting for a man to give you an answer you already have.

Think he likes you but something feels off? Here are the signs a man may be keeping you around without actually intending to commit.

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