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Gaya

There are two kinds of people after a breakup: people who block their ex before the “we need to talk” conversation has even ended, and people who say, “I just want closure,” then spend the next six months investigating who liked his Instagram story.

Some people cry for three days and emerge with a new haircut, new wardrobe and suspiciously active social life. Some will swear they don't care while checking their ex's last seen at 2:13 a.m and some will genuinely move on, only to hear one song six months later and suddenly remember the exact conversation that ended everything.

Take this quiz and find out whether you're the Clean Break Specialist, the FBI Agent, the Lover in Mourning, or the “I'm Fine” Department that is, in fact, very much not fine.

1. Your partner has just said, “I don't think this relationship is working anymore.” What is your first reaction?

A. “Okay. I understand.” And you start mentally packing your things immediately. B. You ask 47 questions because what exactly do you mean by “not working”? C. You say you're fine, hang up and immediately call your best friend.
 D. You start wondering who the new person is. Because there is always a new person. Don't lie.

2. It has been three days since the breakup. What are you doing?

A. You have blocked them everywhere. Peace has been restored.
 B. You have checked their page approximately 19 times but haven't liked anything.
 C. You are still rereading old messages and trying to identify the exact moment everything changed.
 D. You are outside. New outfit. New perfume. Somebody must see that you are doing well.

3. Your ex posts a picture looking suspiciously happy. What do you do?

A. Nothing. They're not your business anymore.
 B. Zoom in. Who took the picture? Where are they? Whose car is that?
 C. You feel sick for five minutes, then remind yourself that social media is not real life.
 D. Post something even better. You didn't say it was a competition, but it is now.

4. You discover your ex has started seeing someone else.

A. “Good for them.” You genuinely mean it.
 B. You need to know who she is, where she works, what school she attended and whether she is actually prettier than you.
 C. You pretend you don't care, then spend the entire night thinking about it.
 D. You download a dating app.

5. Your friend says, “You need to stop checking their page.”

A. “I already stopped.”
 B. You lie.
 C. You say, “I'm trying.”
 D. “I'm not checking their page. I'm just checking something else on their page.”

6. You find an old picture of you and your ex in your gallery.

A. Delete. Next question.
 B. You stare at it for approximately seven minutes before putting your phone down.
 C. You send it to your best friend with “Look at us 😭”
 D. You almost post it. Then remember you're trying to look mysterious.

7. Your ex texts: “Hey, how have you been?”

A. Ignore.
 B. Screenshot it and send it to the group chat before responding.
 C. Respond politely. You're not enemies.
 D. Reply immediately. You have been waiting for this moment.

8. What would hurt you most after a breakup?

A. Losing the person you were used to having around.
 B. Knowing they moved on before you did.
 C. Realising the relationship really is over and there is nothing left to fix.
 D. Seeing them become the perfect partner for somebody else.

9. Your friends invite you out after the breakup.

A. You'd rather stay home and process everything properly.
 B. You go, but somehow spend half the night talking about your ex.
 C. You go, drink something, dance and cry in the bathroom later.
 D. You go looking like a completely different person. If your ex hears about it, even better.

10. Be honest. How do you usually handle heartbreak?

A. I cut the person off and force myself to move forward.
 B. I investigate until I know things I probably should not know.
 C. I feel everything. Badly. Then eventually I recover.
 D. I distract myself until I accidentally realise I'm over it.

11. Six months later, your ex sends you “I miss you.”

A. Delete.
 B. Screenshot. Group chat. Investigation begins.
 C. Your heart skips, even though you know better.
 D. “Miss me or miss having access to me?”

12. Your biggest post-breakup weakness is…

A. Cutting people off too quickly.
 B. Curiosity.
 C. Nostalgia.
 D. Wanting to prove you're doing better.

And now comes the part where we expose you.

Mostly A: The CEO Of “We're Done Here”

Once the relationship is over, it is over. Blocked. Deleted. Archived. Photos gone. Gifts returned. You have already changed the Netflix password before your ex has finished processing the breakup.

Your friends sometimes think you're cold. You're not. You just know yourself well enough to understand that healing becomes harder when you keep leaving the door open for someone to walk back through. Your biggest problem? Sometimes you cut people off before you've actually processed what happened. You say you're over it. Your Notes app says otherwise.

Mostly B: The FBI Agent With A Broken Heart

Nobody knows more about your ex than you do. Not their friends. Not their siblings. Not even your ex. You know when they started following the new person. You know which pictures they liked. You know who commented. You know that the new girlfriend's cousin has a private account but used to have a public one.

And somehow, you insist: “I'm not stalking. I'm just curious.” Babe.You have conducted an investigation that would make the Nigerian Police Force uncomfortable. Your healing begins when you realise that closure is not hidden somewhere inside their Instagram following list.

You actually loved them and unfortunately for you, your heart did not receive the memo that the relationship ended. You replay conversations. You remember little things. You wonder whether you could have done something differently. You miss the person, the routine, the future you imagined and sometimes even the stupid things that used to annoy you.

But here's the thing: you eventually heal. You just need to feel it first. Your friends may tell you to “move on” after two weeks. Ignore them. You are not a microwave.

You are doing very well, thank you. New outfit. New pictures. New perfume. New haircut. Possibly a new talking stage by Thursday. Your ex thinks you're thriving. Your friends think you're thriving. Instagram thinks you're thriving.

At 2:13 a.m., however, you're staring at the ceiling thinking: “But why did he really stop loving me?”

You don't necessarily avoid heartbreak. You outrun it and honestly? Sometimes that works. Until you're sitting in traffic three months later and a random song brings everything back.

The truth is, most of us are probably a little bit of everything.

You can be the person who blocks immediately and still cry after. You can stalk your ex's page and eventually move on. You can start dating again and still need time to heal. You can genuinely be fine and then randomly miss them six months later.

There is no perfect breakup personality. There is just your particular flavour of chaos. Now send this quiz to your friend who claims she is “completely over her” but somehow knows her new boyfriend's birthday.

Some people block immediately. Some stalk their ex’s new girlfriend. Some pretend they’re fine until 2 a.m. Take this quiz to find out what your breakup behaviour says about the kind of ex you become.

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