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Gaya

Last week, the internet was on fire. Twitter was a war zone, Instagram comment sections were brutal, and everyone had an opinion about rape, about women, about who to believe and who to cancel.

But whilst everyone was fighting online, something else was happening. Something quieter. Something we've been ignoring for far too long. Men were talking. Not loudly or with their real names. Not with their faces attached but they were talking. In anonymous confessions, in private DMs, in comment sections where they felt just safe enough to type the words they've never said out loud.

Hundreds of stories, maybe thousands. All from men, carrying trauma they've been told doesn't exist. Because when we talk about sexual violence in Nigeria, it's always framed as a "female thing", women are victims, men are perpetrators, that's the script, that's the narrative we've accepted. But what happens to the boys who were raped? The men who were molested? The survivors who can't speak because society has decided they don't exist?

They stay silent. They carry it alone, and we pretend they're not there. Why?

Why Don't We Talk About Male Sexual Abuse?

From the time boys are young, they're told to man up, “boys don't cry, don't be soft, be strong”. “Victimhood is weakness, vulnerability is shameful, and rape? That's something that happens to women, not men.”

So when a boy is sexually abused, he has nowhere to put that experience because it doesn't fit the script; he's supposed to be strong, not hurt, he's supposed to protect, not need protection. And when he tries to speak, he's met with disbelief, mockery, or worse, congratulations.

"You're lucky an older woman wanted you."

"Men can't be raped. You probably enjoyed it."

This is the message boys receive over and over until they learn to bury it, until they learn that their trauma doesn't count.

Let's be specific, because the silence around male sexual abuse makes people think it's rare. It's not.

Abuse by family members: Uncles, older cousins, brothers, fathers. It happens in homes, behind closed doors, in families where "we don't talk about these things." Boys are told to keep quiet to protect the family's reputation, to avoid shame, to not "ruin" someone's life over "a mistake."

Abuse by older women: This one is especially ignored because society tells us that boys and men "always want it," that if an older woman or girl initiates sex with a young boy, he should be grateful. But a 12-year-old boy being touched by a 20-year-old woman isn't lucky, he's being abused, and the trauma is real even if no one acknowledges it.

Abuse by other boys: In boarding schools, in hostels, in "initiation" rituals that aren't called rape but absolutely are. Boys are assaulted by older boys, by peers, by authority figures who frame it as "toughening them up" or "tradition." And because it happens between boys, it's dismissed, joked about, erased.

Abuse by authority figures: Teachers, coaches, religious leaders, older mentors. Men in positions of power who use that power to abuse boys who trust them. And when those boys try to speak, they're not believed because "he's a good man," because "that doesn't sound like him," because protecting the abuser is easier than believing the victim.

When boys are abused and silenced, the trauma doesn't just disappear, it metastasizes.

Mental health: Depression, anxiety, PTSD, suicidal thoughts. Male survivors are more likely to struggle with mental health issues, but they're also less likely to seek help because asking for help is "weak."

Substance abuse: Alcohol, drugs, anything to numb the pain they're not allowed to acknowledge.

Relationship issues: Intimacy becomes complicated, and trust is broken. Some men struggle with sexual dysfunction, while others become hypersexual as a coping mechanism. And because they can't talk about the root cause, they suffer in silence and hurt their partners in the process.

Anger and violence: Some male survivors turn their pain outward; they become aggressive, they lash out, not because they're bad people but because they were never given space to heal.

Perpetuation of abuse: This is the hardest truth; some victims become abusers. Not all but when trauma is buried and unprocessed, it can manifest in harmful ways. And the cycle continues.

Why This Matters for Everyone,Not Just Men

You might be thinking: "Why are we centering men in a conversation about rape?" Rape culture harms everyone. When we silence male victims, we reinforce the idea that men are always perpetrators and women are always victims, and that's not true. Women can abuse, men can be victims, and pretending otherwise doesn't protect anyone; it just makes it easier for abusers to hide.

The same culture that tells boys "you can't be raped" is the same culture that tells girls "you were asking for it." The same masculinity that silences male survivors is the same masculinity that excuses male abusers. You can't dismantle rape culture by only protecting half of the victims. If we want justice for women, we have to acknowledge male survivors. If we want accountability for abusers, we have to stop pretending boys can't be harmed. This isn't a competition, it's a reckoning.

Talking about the problem is important, but let's be honest, awareness alone doesn't save lives. We need practical, actionable change at every level of society. Here's what that looks like:

1. We Need to Redefine Masculinity in Nigerian Culture

This is the root of everything. As long as boys are taught that vulnerability equals weakness, they will never speak up about abuse.

This isn't about making boys "soft," it's about permitting them to be human.

2. We Need Sex Education That Includes Consent for Boys

Nigerian sex education (where it exists at all) is terribly inadequate and almost never addresses male victimhood. Boys need to be taught that their bodies belong to them, that no one, regardless of age, gender, or authority, has the right to touch them without consent.

3. We Need Training for Adults Who Work with Children

Teachers, coaches, religious leaders, and anyone in a position of authority over children need mandatory training on recognizing and responding to signs of abuse in boys.

4. We Need Mental Health Services That Actually Serve Men

Nigeria's mental health infrastructure is already weak and it's even worse for male survivors of sexual abuse because most therapists aren't trained to handle male trauma and many men don't even know therapy is an option.

5. We Need Legal Reform That Recognizes Male Victims

Nigerian law is outdated when it comes to male sexual abuse. The Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act (VAPP) recognizes male victims in some states but enforcement is weak and many people don't even know the law exists.

6. We Need Public Awareness Campaigns That Center Male Survivors

The conversation about sexual violence in Nigeria is almost exclusively about female victims and while that's important, it leaves male survivors invisible. We need campaigns that explicitly include boys and men.

7. We Need Families to Stop Protecting Abusers

This is the hardest one because it requires individuals to act, not institutions. But families are often the first line of defense against abuse and they're also the ones who silence victims to protect "the family name."

This requires a fundamental shift in values—putting children above tradition, truth above honor, justice above silence.

Male survivors need to see other men talking about this openly because right now, the silence feels mandatory. When men with platforms speak up about their own experiences or publicly support male survivors, it creates permission for others to do the same.

9. We Need Resources Specifically for Male Survivors

Right now, most sexual violence resources in Nigeria are designed for women and while some organizations will help male survivors, many men don't know they're welcome or feel uncomfortable accessing "women's services."

To the men reading this who've never told anyone, we believe you. What happened to you wasn't your fault. You didn't "let it happen," you didn't "want it," you weren't "lucky." You were hurt and that hurt is real. You don't have to carry it alone anymore.

If you're a male survivor of sexual abuse and you need support:

Mirabel Centre (Lagos): Provides free medical, legal, and counseling services for survivors of sexual violence (including men). Call: 08077330207, 08077330208

Project Alert on Violence Against Women (Lagos): Though focused on women, they provide resources and referrals for male survivors. Call: 08060010089

Mental Health Foundation Nigeria: Offers counseling and mental health support. Website: mentalhealthfoundation.org.ng

CLEEN Foundation: Works on issues of safety and justice, including sexual violence. Email: cleen@cleen.org

Anonymous Online Support: Platforms like 7 Cups (7cups.com) offer free, anonymous emotional support from trained listeners.

If you're not ready to speak to someone yet, that's okay. But know that when you are, there are people who will listen, who will believe you, who will help.

It’s time we stop pretending male victims don't exist, let's stop mocking boys for being hurt, let's stop protecting abusers because "boys can't be raped." Let's start listening, start believing, start creating space for the men who've been carrying this alone. Because the silence? It's killing them and we can't fight rape culture if we only fight half the battle.

Men are finally talking about being sexually abused as children, but only anonymously. We break down why male sexual abuse is invisible in Nigeria, how toxic masculinity keeps boys silent, and what needs to change to protect survivors we've ignored for too long.


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