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Gaya

Some Nigerian children didn't grow up in houses. They grew up in high-security institutions with very confusing regulations.

There were rules for eating, visiting friends, receiving money, birthday parties, talking to adults, using the sitting room, even what you were allowed to do with the food someone had just given you and somehow, nobody ever needed to explain the logic. You just knew.

You couldn't eat the meat in your food before finishing the food. You couldn't go to your friend's house too often because “do they come to our own house?” If somebody gave you money, you didn't own that money. You were simply the temporary custodian until your mother decided what should happen to and if an adult said something that was obviously, demonstrably, and scientifically false?

Here are the childhood rules that made perfect sense when we were ten and sound absolutely ridiculous now.&nbsp;

1. Don't Eat The Meat Until You've Finished Your Food

This was not a suggestion. The meat was basically a reward for surviving the rice, and if you dared to finish the meat first? Your mother could look at your plate and immediately know that something had gone terribly wrong.

Some families had an even stricter version: you were not allowed to touch the meat until you had eaten a respectable amount of rice because apparently a child who eats meat first cannot be trusted with anything.

2. Don't Go To Your Friend's House If They Don't Come To Yours

This one required actual mathematical calculations. You would ask, “Mummy, can I go to Amaka's house?”

“Does Amaka come here?” “Yes.” “When last?” “I don't know.” “Then why are you going there?”

You could genuinely lose access to a friendship because your mother had decided the friendship visitation ratio was unfair.

3. Don't Eat In A Visitor's House Unless Your Mother Has Given Permission

You could be sitting in somebody's house, and their mother could bring out a full tray of jollof rice, chicken, puff-puff and chilled Coke. You would look at the food. Look at your friend's mother. Look at your mother and wait because eating without permission could apparently bring shame upon the entire bloodline.

Your friend's mother could literally say, “My dear, eat.” You would still say: “Let me ask my mummy.” because your mother had to approve the consumption of food that was not even in your house.

4. Don't Open Your Party Pack Until Your Mother Says So

Birthday party packs were another government-regulated commodity. You could receive your nylon bag containing biscuits, sweets, chin-chin, a tiny toy and perhaps one mysterious item nobody knew the purpose of.

You were not allowed to open it in the car. You were not allowed to eat from it while walking home. You were definitely not allowed to start with the sweet. You had to reach home first. Then your mother would inspect the entire contents like customs.

She would open it. Look through everything. Then decide what you were allowed to eat. Sometimes she would even keep something for school the next day, and you had no say in that matter.

5. Don't Eat Anything At A Party Without Showing Your Mother First

This was different from the party pack rule because what if they offered you cake? You had to find your mother.

“Can I eat cake?” “What cake?”

You would point. She would inspect it from approximately 14 metres away. “Go and eat.”

Permission granted. The food had been legally cleared.

Even if they were. Even if you had evidence. Even if you personally witnessed the event. Even if the adult said, “I saw you fly from the roof yesterday.” You were expected to keep shut and take the blame.

Because “You're lying” was apparently one of the fastest ways to get yourself into trouble. The Nigerian child learned very early that truth and diplomacy were sometimes two different things.

7. If A Visitor Gives You Money, Give It To Mummy

The money was never yours. You were simply the messenger. An adult would hand you ₦500 and say, “Take. You would smile.

Then your mother would appear from nowhere.

And just like that, your ₦500 is gone. You can’t ask for it later on because asking for it means getting a full breakdown of all your parents have been doing for you, which, by the way, is their responsibility.

8. Don't Sit In The Sitting Room When Adults Are Discussing

The second adults started having a serious conversation, children were expected to disappear.

“Go inside.” “But I'm watching TV.” “Go inside.” “But—” “Do you want me to repeat myself?”

Suddenly, your bedroom became extremely interesting. Meanwhile, you were standing behind the door trying to hear what they were saying because whatever they didn't want you to hear is hot gist.

Someone could enter your house holding a brand-new phone, eating ice cream, and wearing the exact shoes you had been begging your mother to buy. You were not allowed to say: “Where did you get that?” “Can I have some?” “Can I see it?”

You were to sit down and behave as though you had never seen a nice thing before.

10. Don't Correct Your Parents In Front Of People

You could know the answer. You could have the evidence.You could literally be holding the document proving your mother is wrong.

Keep quiet because there was a difference between knowing something and knowing when to talk and apparently childhood was the period where you learned the second one.

11. Don't Eat Anything You Were Told To Keep For Later

This one was particularly cruel. Your mother would give you something and say:

“Keep it.” You would ask: “For when?” “Later.”

Later could mean anything from 30 minutes to six months.

You were expected to exercise self-control despite being a child who had just been handed biscuits.

The Funny Thing Is, We Actually Believed These Were Universal Rules

The funniest part is that most of us didn't realise these were house rules. We thought everybody lived like this. Then you got to university and watched somebody eat their meat first, and you realised:

Nobody is coming to beat this person. You went to a friend's house, and their mother gave you food, and you just... ate it. Nobody asked permission. Nobody called their mother. Nobody inspected the party pack. Nobody confiscated the ₦500.

Suddenly, adulthood became the slow discovery that some of the laws you thought governed human existence were actually just your mother's personal constitution, and somehow, after all those years of complaining, you still find yourself telling a younger sibling:

Because apparently some rules are nonsense, but some nonsense has tradition.

We grew up thinking these were universal laws: don't eat the meat first, don't eat at a friend's house without permission, hand over any money a visitor gives you. Here are some Nigerian childhood rules that made sense then and make absolutely no sense now.

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