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Sex & Relationships
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Growing up, I would lie on the long sofa in my family’s living room and watch my Dad bawl his eyes over a scene in a movie. Most times I would join him too. It was warm. Natural. Expected.
I did not know at the time that crying was something that was only acceptable when females did it.
To me, it was a normal human emotion stripped of all gender biases.
As I got older, I started to notice that the vulnerability that my female peers wore around them proudly was a luxury that most males in the society did not indulge in.
I saw it for the first time in primary 2, right after my principal decided to punish my class for noise making.
Uzo, a 6 year old boy, had shrieked loudly, cradling his palms together.
“Look around! you’re the only boy crying, you should be ashamed of yourself” My principal loudly belted out.
I looked around me, and true to her words, he was the only boy out-rightly crying. The other boys plastered stoic expressions on their faces, some of them had tears that threatened to fall but did not fall. A painful attempt to mask their emotions.
That was the first time I took full cognizance of the fact that boys were not supposed to be “soft”.
You see, “Boys don’t cry” is just one tiny piece of a large box made up of hyper-masculinity.
Hyper masculinity is an outright deliberate resistance to vulnerability. It is however not a clear cut road. It goes way back. Way way back.
Understanding Femininity And Masculinity In Nigeria
A growing Nigerian boy is taught at a young age to suppress his emotions and display a sense of toughness and resilience. Embracing softness in any form is something almost shameful. Uncommon. And very Feminine.
Masculinity in Nigeria is seen as strong stern decisions made quickly, intense display of physical strength and undisputed dominance.
Femininity is seen as fragility, submissiveness and susceptibility. All human states that should be alien to a Nigerian man.
Nigeria has unarguably held the position as a patriarchal society where men have traditionally held more power and authority than women.
This is reflected in cultural practices that go way back such as the payment of bride price, which places a monetary value on women and can easily lead to their objectification.
Economic factors have also contributed to hyper-masculinity in Nigeria. The country has a high poverty rate and limited employment opportunities, which can lead to a sense of frustration and insecurity among men who feel that their masculinity is threatened. When their masculinity is threatened outside, they can only regain control by asserting dominance over others with feminine and softer traits which happen to be majorly women.
Nigeria also has a history of colonialism and slavery, which has led to the internalization of ideas about race, gender, and power. This can result in a desire to conform to Western notions of masculinity, which prioritizes physical strength, aggression, and dominance.
Nigerian Men and their roaring attraction for feminine women
First, we have the typical traditional Nigerian men who want a woman who is submissive and respectful. A woman who is soft and desirable. Patient and calm. Feminine in all her ways.
Then, we have the “Atypical Nigerian” men. They’re the self acclaimed woke and evolved men. They say they want a woman who is independent, fierce, assertive and has a mind of her own.
You see, I truly believe they want these types of women; as long as.
As long as she doesn’t threaten their masculinity.
As long as they don’t feel small around her.
As long as they still get to indulge comfortably in all their hyper masculine traits.
It is always an “As long as” situation.
A lot of Nigerian men are knitted so deeply in their idea of masculinity that even when they are vulnerable they are guarded.
Vulnerability is an emotion that is given conditionally.
In the heart of it all, femininity is actually embraced by Nigerian men, just not when it concerns them.
They love feminine women. The soft ones, the ones that curl up on the sofa and need a blanket. The ones who wear the emotions like a favorite necklace around their neck. The ones that let them be the MAN.
They love vulnerability as long as they’re not the ones giving it.
A typical Nigerian woman will suppress her masculine traits (the need for dominance and control) around hyper masculine men. They have mastered the art of femininity and like most art forms, it enraptures.
They give out their control, for the perks of feeling protected and cared for, soft and feminine. A self serving relinquishment.
But, are you really in control when that control was handed over to you on a platter of deliberateness?
What We Can Do About Hyper Masculinity?
Masculinity is a beautiful thing. Like femininity, it should be embraced. It’s okay to be strong, virile and completely masculine as long as you’re allowing yourself to experience all other states of human existence.
Masculinity has never been the problem, hyper-masculinity is the problem.
There are proven ways to encourage healthier and more positive expressions of masculinity. Here are a few ideas:
We can start by encouraging healthy emotional expression in men. It is damaging and absolutely detrimental to a human to suppress emotions. You see, men almost always find outlets to express their emotions but it’s never healthy.
We should encourage the men in our lives and any one who struggles with hyper masculinity including females to confront their emotions through having a Journal , talking to friends and family or trying therapy.
We should also learn to celebrate the vulnerable men. The ones who exhibit positive traits, such as empathy, compassion, and emotional intelligence. When we celebrate them, we highlight them to the younger males growing up as role models worthy of emulation.
We should also be willing to call out and address toxic masculinity behaviors when we see them, both in our personal relationships and in the society at large .
We can also combat hyper-masculinity by challenging traditional gender stereotypes and promoting more gender-inclusive attitudes and behaviors. Who said boys can’t cry? Who said boys can’t love pink? Who said boys can’t play with dolls if they want to? Who says boys can’t be the PROTECTORS and yet still be PROTECTED?
Promoting healthy relationships between men and women, as well as among men themselves, can help to combat hyper-masculinity. By promoting consent, respect, and communication in romantic relationships, we can foster positive, and supportive relationships between male and female genders which removes the need for hyper masculinity.
Pink, Lipgloss And A Beard
Praise was the first guy that allowed me put lipstick on his lips. I was in my second year in the university and he was my lodge mate. Years later, he remains the only guy.
It was a red lip. I remember calling him to my room and as he sat on my bed, I excitedly piled on layers of makeup on his face before ending it with a bright red lip.
No, he was not gay. He was just a human, who was happy to indulge his friend.
I remember how bad the makeup look came out and how we both shrieked in horror when I was done and then we laughed.
We sat on my bed and conversed for hours after that. In the time that we conversed, people trooped into my room and each time they looked at this face, they laughed. For most of them, it was an uncomfortable laughter.It was laughers and shifty glances.
Praise just lay sprawled on my bed, unmoving, comfortable, unperturbed.
In later months, I would introduce Praise to hydrating moisturizers and he would religiously stick to a skincare regimen.
I don’t talk to him anymore, but he was the only other guy who was close to me who I had seen embrace a seemingly “feminine trait” wholeheartedly.
Who says we ever have to choose between being masculine or feminine?
I think real masculinity is being absolutely comfortable in your skin and knowing who you are. Understanding that you can cry and be strong. You can be vulnerable and still strong. You can wear pink and still protect. Experiencing one does not strip you away from the other.
Most importantly, I think real masculinity is knowing that you’re human first before being male.