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Gaya

In a year that seems to be out for the single men and women of Nigeria, a year for relationship goals, jaw-breaking proposals, blissful weddings and no rest for the singles, this is my hot take on divorce. The year 2024 started as a year of standing on business, getting that bag – “no gree for anybody” and I can boldly say on behalf of the Single People’s Association of Nigeria we were not informed that relationships and marriages were part of the business we were standing on and we also urge that in the coming year, when there’s a new motto, please ensure to inform us with all the necessary details to avoid any form of surprises Now, regardless of all the unnecessary pressure that comes with seeing your friends, relations and favourite celebrities getting all booed, ensure you get your priorities, goals and ambitions in check. Avoid getting swayed by the festivities and feeding your soul with desperation because desperation breeds settling for anything.

There are various red flags you should look out for in a relationship, but today’s topic concerns divorce and whether it should be considered a red flag. Firstly, you should keep in mind that divorce can be a sad or disheartening experience based on the situations surrounding the divorce. No matter how relieved a person is after a bad divorce, remember that nobody plans a divorce; once upon a time, that was their favourite person. The marriage controversies surrounding one of Nigeria’s most loved actresses, Sharon Ooja, is no news; it had been trending all over social media and got Nigerians dishing out their unsolicited opinions on the couple’s marriage. Not too long after their wedding celebration, news made the internet that her husband had allegedly been divorced three times, and this got Nigerians in an uproar all over different social media platforms.

But here’s the thing: people deserve second chances and a second trial at love; it’s definitely okay to be scared and sceptical at first if you are considering a relationship with a divorcee. Just keep in mind that bad relationships happen, bad marriages happen, and it doesn’t choose who it happens to – this is where our Nigerian parents would say, God forbid, that would not be your portion. Unfortunately, it could be anybody’s portion. A friend of mine went on a date with a man she had been chatting with, and after weeks of flowing conversations, they were finally set to meet. He had taken her breath away on the first date, and everything had been going well until he casually mentioned that he had been divorced. My friend had been left shocked and speechless because he looked too young to have been married, and secondly, she had never ever thought about divorce as a flag in general, talkless of whether she should consider it a green or red flag. But when confronted with such a situation, you should try to keep an open mind.

Our world today has made it easier for people in bad marriages to have the strength to stand up and leave; therefore, it is right we discuss what flag a divorcee falls into – red or green. Now, the gist surrounding Sharon’s husband that got Nigerians rolling is that he has allegedly been married three times to three different women – the word allegedly is used because people have come out to debunk that news, explaining that he had been married just once. I know I stated that people deserve second chances, but in such a situation, months or even years of scrutiny and research should be observed. Do your research! Find out why your partner has been through a series of divorces. Are they who they say they are? Why do you think your relationship would be any different? A friend’s uncle, let’s call him Mr. Victor, had been in a relationship with this gorgeous woman. He was in his late forties but had never married, and she had been in her late thirties. They hit it off almost immediately and dated for about a year. He intended to finally get married, and she was the woman of his dreams. As the traditional man he was, he did his own research about her and her family and was intent on getting to know her more, which was nothing harmful. During his investigation, he found out that she had been married twice, and it was startling and unexpected because she had never mentioned it throughout their one year of courtship, she hadn’t even dropped a hint.

He brought up the conversation with her as calmly as he could, and she straight up told him that “it wasn’t a big deal”. As a divorced person, you’ve probably moved on from the whole divorce, you’ve learned to put it in the past, but when entering a committed relationship with someone you genuinely love, please mention that divorce, tell that person about the most important aspects of your life and allow that person to make the decision of being with you by themselves regardless of whatever you’ve been through because you don’t know what other people have been through, you don’t know their story and certain stories usually builds the flags in relationships. Mr Victor had to end that relationship; apart from the fact that she hid such vital information from him and tried to invalidate his emotions and opinions when he brought up the topic, he also found out that she had been a serial cheat, hence her multiple divorces.

Apart from the generally agreed upon red flags such as lying, abuse, obsession and probably cheating – probably because there are people who take it as a norm. Most red flags are completely personal; you consider your emotions and know what you can accept in a relationship. Simply put, your dos and don’ts in a relationship. To some people, divorce isn’t a red flag, but to others, it could. It all boils down to preferences and personal desires, but remember always to keep an open mind because you never know what may happen. Concerning those who do not regard it as a red flag, it’s impossible to know someone or what they have in mind completely, so try to do your observations and research. In your capacity, find out more about this person and the controversies surrounding their divorce before making a decision.

In the past, divorce was a huge deal and a frowned upon situation; nobody wanted to be associated with a divorcee. But today, divorce has become a norm in our society, and we should decide what relationship flag it falls under - red or green?

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