I had a friend who constantly complained about her man, and she never had any good stories concerning their relationship. It was complaint after complaint; from the second month of their relationship, she was always faced with unhappy situations, and that was alarming because most relationships enjoy about three months of honeymoon before battling the realities of a serious and committed relationship, but for her, there was no honeymoon phase. From the stories I heard, he never treated her right; he continuously disrespected her in front of his family and friends, and lying was his only means of communication; he gaslighted and manipulated her every chance he got, but still, she hung onto the failing relationship. Why? Because her fear of being alone surpassed being in an unhappy relationship, starting afresh seemed a lot scarier than being in a toxic relationship.

We’ve heard stories of couples who lost their relationship spark and have done everything to work on it, but they never gain that spark back. They always tend to irritate, step on each other’s toes, and have more unhappy memories than happy ones, but they find it difficult to break up. You hear them say things like “It’s probably just a phase”, “she’s busier at work these days”, and other forms of excuses, but it’s quite clear that either the relationship has run its course or one person isn’t putting in that much effort anymore. And let’s be frank: once one person is tired of the relationship, there’s a high possibility that the relationship is over; you just have to summon up the courage to let go. There are a lot of people out there struggling in unhappy relationships because they are scared of starting over, especially those in long-term relationships. Questions and thoughts like: “How do I start building something new with someone else?” “Starting a talking stage is too tiring”, “I don’t there are any good people on the streets of singleness”, and so many more.

These thoughts and questions are perfectly normal; what’s not normal is letting them build a sense of fear in you and letting this fear cripple you from moving on or letting go of that unhappy relationship. And for the single people out there who had the courage to move on but have let fear keep them single for years, it’s time to leave the streets. You have to understand that you’re not alone in whatever situation you’re facing; people are either currently facing the exact thing, something similar or have already faced it, so brace yourself, chin up and keep reading.

So, How Do I Overcome This Fear of Starting a New Relationship?

Overcoming any sort of fear is not as easy as people make it seem. It takes strength, courage, consistency, and determination.

Like in previous articles, the first thing to always consider when moving forward is to accept your past, accept your current problems and situations, and, in this case, accept your fear. Admit to yourself that you might have a problem, and immediately, your mind starts processing ways you can solve that problem. Accepting your fear motivates you to find a way to overcome it; allowing yourself to feel this fear puts you in a clearer headspace to create a solution.

While you’ve accepted this fear, strengthen yourself and work through it. This way, you can figure out why you are so afraid of starting a new relationship. Being honest with yourself and sourcing for the reasons why this fear cripples your mind would help you get a clearer view of where your fear might have stemmed from. Remember to take it easy on yourself and refrain from judging or belittling yourself because your fear could come from anything, and it could be past trauma, heartbreak or fear of being alone.

Accepting and working through your fear would help you recognise the causes and triggers. In doing so, you will be able to avoid these triggers, create clear boundaries, and develop a strong defence system against them. For example, let’s assume one of your triggers is being lied to. Immediately, one of your major red flags to look out for would be liars; you’d do everything to avoid being in a relationship with a liar, and your alarm never turns off when you’re in the presence of a liar.

Everyone’s journey isn’t the same. Overcoming any situation you might be faced with takes time. Be patient with yourself. Try not to rush the process because, in doing so, you might end up frustrated when the results you hope to achieve aren’t forthcoming. Take your time slowly and allow yourself to go through every phase of your journey; do not speed the process; instead, embrace every process and step.

&nbsp;Do you see those constant thoughts and questions that pop up in your head when you are considering leaving an unhappy relationship or entering a new one? Yeah, those exact ones. Stop them. Cease every form of overthinking and overdueling because most times, you ruin relationships by thinking of the different things that could ruin them—get it? So, the moment you catch yourself overthinking, particularly on the negativity, take a step back.

The repetition of the word communicate was to lay emphasis on how important communication is at every phase and point in your life. In this case, communication might be with a professional, friends, family or a potential partner. In situations where you’ve found a potential partner, it is advisable to discuss your fears with them, express how you feel, explain to them why this fear hinders you from accepting them, and remember that it is okay to be vulnerable because vulnerability doesn’t mean weakness. Talking to potential partners will help you build something real; working towards your fear together would motivate you to work harder and push you to be consistent in your journey.

Remember, there are days when this journey of overcoming your fear might not be as smooth as you’d expect, there are days when the fear would cripple your mind more than usual, and that’s perfectly normal. The idea is not to give up and keep pushing. Good luck!

Philophobia is the fear of falling in love. This fear can build up negatively and impact on your theory on love and relationships.


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